Today I read a fascinating story about none other than America's Favorite Person, Angelina Jolie. In interest of full disclosure, I am fully on Team Aniston, and will never forgive crazy pants for what she did. Anyway. I absolutely love reading her comments regarding her children. I'm always a little confused. She called Shiloh and "blob" that one time, which, lets face it, is kind of funny. And now she's saying she would like to cross the Sahara on a camel with her children stationed along the way. It takes 28 days, you see, and her comment about stationing children is presumably in jest? I mean, it is EXTREMELY possible that she is completely out of touch with reality, and she actually thinks her children could get stationed across the desert. I have such a hard time gauging these comments of hers. These mega-celebrities are usually such PR robots, that they calculate everything they say to have people talk about them. And lets face it, she knows that she'll get press since she's known as the lady with 6 children. Well, anyway, it's a funny comment.
In real life, I've found it much the same. Lately, I've had a lot more contact with different adults, and I've found it is hard to tell if they are joking or not. I used to be a better judge, or maybe I would just be in such a hurry to speak myself, that I would just infer whatever I wanted from what people would say. I almost feel like I am learning again how to be social. Good luck to me. At least I'm having fun.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
French toast sticks? What french toast sticks?
When trying to impress a mom I am interested in dating, it always takes me a while to be entirely truthful. I don't out and out lie to the person, I just leave out details. For example, today on the phone, I told my awesome new mom friend that I was going to have to take my kids to the Nightmare Of All Nightmares: Ikea. I have to pick up some curtain rods for their rooms, and maybe some curtains to put over their really ugly blackout drapes. This is what I told her. Which is the absolute truth. What I left out was that I was going to bribe them with Ikea lunch afterwards. I didn't tell her because, a) Ikea food is disgusting, and I usually have a rule that if I wouldn't eat it, they don't get to, either. b) my new friend is a super healthy person, and would probably be completely disgusted that I am doing this. Of course, this is a completely irrational fear of mine, because my new mom friend is awesome awesome awesome, and there is no way that she would stop being friends with me because I am letting my kids have Ikea french toast sticks for lunch. I don't know why I feel compeled to leave out information, maybe because I have hidden guilt that I am feeding my kids Ikea french toast sticks that I wouldn't even eat? I think it's possible, but I think the real reason stems from wanting to really have a relationship with this mom that is judgement free. Is it really so bad to want friends that don't judge you too much? I want my mom relationships to not be a lot of work. And even more to the point, I don't necissarily want them to have a ton to do about kids or how we're raising them. I want to definately acknowledge the fact that we both have kids, but I'm looking forrelationships with WOMEN. Not MOTHERS. There is nothing more depressing than the day you realize as a new parent that a lot of the relationships you are oging to have with women will now be as mothers. And certainly, most of the women you meet with your kids in tow will only be mother-based relationships. One of the perks about having good friends around, though, is being able to forget about the kids a little when you are around them. This is so important, I've found, because if you can even have just 5 minutes of that a week, it's like the equivelent of getting 4 hours of uninterupted sleep. So, I'll keep my less steller parenting moments to myself, for now, and just focus on fun times ahead.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Double Dating
This weekend, my husband and I had the wonderful opportunity to do some socializing. The children came with us, but even so, I was very excited to go and have dinner with friends. This wasn't any dinner, though. This was the low-pressure, but pressurized none the less, half-blind double date. This is defined as two moms who like each other enough to introduce spouses into the equation. When this happens, you know that things in your mom relationship are moving to The Next Level. You are making a commitment to each other that your relationship is important enough to involve the absent party. This meeting also comes during a time that is traditionally reserved for important family-type activities: the weekend. It's important to understand that involving your partner on the weekend with a mom you hang out with during the week is a very important step-forward in the relationship. Akin with meeting the parents, this initial meeting is important. Will they get along? Will they act normally? Will they like each other enough so that in the car they utter the magic words: "That was fun." (That's as enthusiastic as my husband usually gets). If you are already at the meeting the partner stage, you and your special mom friend have probably progressed in the relationship enough to poke a little nervous fun at the dads in advance. All thats left is to hope for the best. There are three ways this can go:
The Absentee Father:
This guy obviously doesn't want to be there. Maybe he's more interested in watching the game on TV, and if your husband is too, this can actually be a good thing. But this particular dad-species isn't interested in interacting. Maybe he is being rude to your mom friend, or his kids. Maybe he is on the phone or computer the whole time, or not talking to you or your husband despite your best efforts. If you are the only other couple there, this can become a very awkward situation. It can even break-up your mom friend relationship. Or down grade the status.
Just Enough to Make It Work:
This is a great outcome. The dads get along well enough. They make successful small talk and there aren't any uncomfortable moments between them. Your mom friend likes your husband well enough, too in these situations. It's pretty easy and straight forward with these meetings.
Fireworks:
When the dads act like long lost friends. They enjoy each other as much as you and the mom do, and everyone has a fantastic night. I've noticed that more often than not, fireworks happen when you don't have the kids with you. My husband has lots of trouble multi-tasking as it is, and having to watch the children and be social is difficult for anyone. The Fireworks times are when everything is going well and for a few minutes, everyone forgets they have children. I love those moments.
With our big moment this weekend, my husband did well, considering that we are trying to renovate, and the morning of our dinner he was moving all of our stuff into the house. The two dads talked about gardening, home renovation, bike commuting, and other things I didn't pay attention to. All in all, it was very successful. I, on the other hand, was tired, and kind of out of it. The kids were playing nicely, my mom friend and I were chatting away pleasantly, and I kept zoning out. On the way home, I was thinking about how worried I was over nothing. My husband, as always, had performed admirably. He looked great, was sweet, and watched the kids a little so I could have some fun. I was tired, probably acting weird, and disheveled from trying to get everyone ready. I realized for the first time, that it was ME I was more worried about the husband not liking. I mean, I really like this mom friend, and would love it to work out for the long haul. It's important that the spouse likes, or even tolerates you if you want a good relationship.
This morning, I called my mom friend. To my relief, she made sweet comments about my husband, and wanted to hang out again! My socialization skills must be less than zero at this point, though, since I was so relieved. It goes to show you, though, that a lot of times you can over analyze your mom relationship, and attribute a lot of pressure to events that go along very smoothly and that are actually set up to be successful. I went away from that situation with lots of information. I learned something new about myself, I introduced my husband to my friend, my kids had fun, we had a great time chatting with adults, and I loved my husband a little more. It was a pretty successful double date, I'd say.
The Absentee Father:
This guy obviously doesn't want to be there. Maybe he's more interested in watching the game on TV, and if your husband is too, this can actually be a good thing. But this particular dad-species isn't interested in interacting. Maybe he is being rude to your mom friend, or his kids. Maybe he is on the phone or computer the whole time, or not talking to you or your husband despite your best efforts. If you are the only other couple there, this can become a very awkward situation. It can even break-up your mom friend relationship. Or down grade the status.
Just Enough to Make It Work:
This is a great outcome. The dads get along well enough. They make successful small talk and there aren't any uncomfortable moments between them. Your mom friend likes your husband well enough, too in these situations. It's pretty easy and straight forward with these meetings.
Fireworks:
When the dads act like long lost friends. They enjoy each other as much as you and the mom do, and everyone has a fantastic night. I've noticed that more often than not, fireworks happen when you don't have the kids with you. My husband has lots of trouble multi-tasking as it is, and having to watch the children and be social is difficult for anyone. The Fireworks times are when everything is going well and for a few minutes, everyone forgets they have children. I love those moments.
With our big moment this weekend, my husband did well, considering that we are trying to renovate, and the morning of our dinner he was moving all of our stuff into the house. The two dads talked about gardening, home renovation, bike commuting, and other things I didn't pay attention to. All in all, it was very successful. I, on the other hand, was tired, and kind of out of it. The kids were playing nicely, my mom friend and I were chatting away pleasantly, and I kept zoning out. On the way home, I was thinking about how worried I was over nothing. My husband, as always, had performed admirably. He looked great, was sweet, and watched the kids a little so I could have some fun. I was tired, probably acting weird, and disheveled from trying to get everyone ready. I realized for the first time, that it was ME I was more worried about the husband not liking. I mean, I really like this mom friend, and would love it to work out for the long haul. It's important that the spouse likes, or even tolerates you if you want a good relationship.
This morning, I called my mom friend. To my relief, she made sweet comments about my husband, and wanted to hang out again! My socialization skills must be less than zero at this point, though, since I was so relieved. It goes to show you, though, that a lot of times you can over analyze your mom relationship, and attribute a lot of pressure to events that go along very smoothly and that are actually set up to be successful. I went away from that situation with lots of information. I learned something new about myself, I introduced my husband to my friend, my kids had fun, we had a great time chatting with adults, and I loved my husband a little more. It was a pretty successful double date, I'd say.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Into The Wild
When I became someones mother back in 2006, I really knew nothing. I know that a lot of people say that, and they'll give you examples about their bodies changing, their sex lives being different, their family relationships evolving, but for me, the BIGGEST shocker of all was the totally bizarre sub-culture of Mom Dating. I can still remember my first glimmer of how terrifying this new stage would be. I was at my son's swimming class at the local YMCA, and had been to a couple of the sessions. He had a birthday coming up, and I was going to work up the courage to ask a few of these mom's to bring their kids and come to the party. I can remember making the invites and stressing that I didn't really know the parent's names. I had a knot in my stomach, though, about ONE invitation. It was going to a kid named Sam, and his mom. I couldn't remember her name for the life of me. While that would have normally been just fine, I really wanted to make her invite special because I was also working up the courage to ask her for her number. My goal was to try to befriend this person, because she seemed cool, and her kid didn't suck. I thought that maybe we could grab some coffee sometime after swimming. I know I had a whole plan in mind, and I even psychotically wrote down my number to make it easy to hand off to her. I obsessed about every detail. Of course, the outcome was that she never showed up to swimming again, and I had spent a ton of time thinking about how to do something so seemingly simple, but that was nerve wracking in a way I never expected. That's when I really started thinking about Mom Dating.
I couldn't believe no one had told me about this scary, shaming, right-back-in-high school scene that I was jumping into. I was going to have to force myself to interact with tons of people. This would not be some mutual interest based meeting, either. It would be interaction based solely on the fact that we had kids in tow. I would be spending my time making small talk with strangers because our kids were playing together at the park, or we were waiting in line for the same class, the list goes on and on. I felt like I had been thrust back into the world of dating, with fears of rejection, incompatibility, and judgement looming at all times. With mom dating, there are several different categories of relationship.
The Non-Starters:
The Non-Starters are the moms you meet out in the wild and the relationship doesn't get off the ground. These are the people that you see at the park, and while Non-Starters aren't always BAD interactions, they fail to get to first base for whatever reason. Maybe your kids started fighting. Maybe the conversation lagged between you two, maybe someone pooped/fell down/ate Bum Gum off the sidewalk and one of you had to run off mid interaction. Maybe you were just too tired of trying to meet other mom's and you didn't care enough to get her number because you were content just having a nice interaction and letting the ships pass in the night.
The No Way In Hells:
I still remember little Magnus at the Gymboree music class. He was quite large for a 4 year old, and was one of those kids that asserts that draws your attention. Much like a pit bull in your periphery. Well, my sweet son, who is quite bossy to his sisters, but very mild mannered in general and usually just happy to be included in games, is quite small. He's thin, not short. Anyway, Magnus had it in for my kid in the music circle. When they were dancing around with scarves, he went over to my kid and tried to take his by force. When my little man kept a hold of it, Magnus didn't like that and started shoving him. Magnus' Mom, Brunhilda I imagine her name was, called out in a sing songy voice "Magnus! You're being so silly." Yeah, Brunhilda, I'll never be chatting you up as we put the kids' shoes on.
The Play Buddies:
The equivalent of FBs in sexual dating, these moms are people you would go to a Museum or other public even with on occasion, but spend the majority of the time together interacting with your own kids and just basically parallel playing with each other. They are nice people that you run into at the grocery store and say, "Oh yes. We should definitely get together and play," and then go to an occasional organized even that doesn't require a lot of interaction on your part. Personally, I try not to waste my time on these, because I have had the real thing. It is sweet, my friends.
The Real Deals:
These are the Magical People. This is your best friend from college who has kids right around the same age as you (Lender!!), this is your childhood friend that you've reconnected with and fallen in love with her all over again (Megan!!), and, on very rare occasions, this is someone that you meet at the park, or standing in line, or at a class, or through a mutual friend (AnnMarie!!). Having these people in your life is vital to your survival. Because let's face it, husbands are great. They co-worship your children, but they do not live in the vast terrain of motherhood.
I couldn't believe no one had told me about this scary, shaming, right-back-in-high school scene that I was jumping into. I was going to have to force myself to interact with tons of people. This would not be some mutual interest based meeting, either. It would be interaction based solely on the fact that we had kids in tow. I would be spending my time making small talk with strangers because our kids were playing together at the park, or we were waiting in line for the same class, the list goes on and on. I felt like I had been thrust back into the world of dating, with fears of rejection, incompatibility, and judgement looming at all times. With mom dating, there are several different categories of relationship.
The Non-Starters:
The Non-Starters are the moms you meet out in the wild and the relationship doesn't get off the ground. These are the people that you see at the park, and while Non-Starters aren't always BAD interactions, they fail to get to first base for whatever reason. Maybe your kids started fighting. Maybe the conversation lagged between you two, maybe someone pooped/fell down/ate Bum Gum off the sidewalk and one of you had to run off mid interaction. Maybe you were just too tired of trying to meet other mom's and you didn't care enough to get her number because you were content just having a nice interaction and letting the ships pass in the night.
The No Way In Hells:
I still remember little Magnus at the Gymboree music class. He was quite large for a 4 year old, and was one of those kids that asserts that draws your attention. Much like a pit bull in your periphery. Well, my sweet son, who is quite bossy to his sisters, but very mild mannered in general and usually just happy to be included in games, is quite small. He's thin, not short. Anyway, Magnus had it in for my kid in the music circle. When they were dancing around with scarves, he went over to my kid and tried to take his by force. When my little man kept a hold of it, Magnus didn't like that and started shoving him. Magnus' Mom, Brunhilda I imagine her name was, called out in a sing songy voice "Magnus! You're being so silly." Yeah, Brunhilda, I'll never be chatting you up as we put the kids' shoes on.
The Play Buddies:
The equivalent of FBs in sexual dating, these moms are people you would go to a Museum or other public even with on occasion, but spend the majority of the time together interacting with your own kids and just basically parallel playing with each other. They are nice people that you run into at the grocery store and say, "Oh yes. We should definitely get together and play," and then go to an occasional organized even that doesn't require a lot of interaction on your part. Personally, I try not to waste my time on these, because I have had the real thing. It is sweet, my friends.
The Real Deals:
These are the Magical People. This is your best friend from college who has kids right around the same age as you (Lender!!), this is your childhood friend that you've reconnected with and fallen in love with her all over again (Megan!!), and, on very rare occasions, this is someone that you meet at the park, or standing in line, or at a class, or through a mutual friend (AnnMarie!!). Having these people in your life is vital to your survival. Because let's face it, husbands are great. They co-worship your children, but they do not live in the vast terrain of motherhood.
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